Unfortunately, debt is not a new concept for us, however being in debt to the Lord was. My covenants were not being fulfilled, and the idea was absolutely appalling to me. I thought for sure there was some error... at least in the amount of debt. At tithing settlement, for the first time in my life, I had to admit that we were not full tithe payers.
And of all the gall, the bishop just shrugged it off and said, "yes, and I'm sure you will get it caught up so that you will be full tithe payers as soon as you can".
Grady already was working way too hard and things were super tight to have any hope of incrementally getting caught up. The painful realization was becoming crystal clear. I had to go to work.
This wasn't the type of situation where it is wiser and even more profitable to start my own business. I knew that concept already. What I needed, though, was a steady amount of budgetable income. A J.O.B. As I considered my options, I knew I couldn't take just any job because I was still accountable for four children. The harsh reality became painfully obvious. They had to go to a public school... Just kill me now.
As I was considering my employability, I knew I wanted to be at the crossroads for them. Transitioning from full-time homeschooler to latch-key children was simply too much for my mother heart to handle. So I looked for employment in the school systems which would make it possible for me to have the same hours as them. Afer all, I did major in elementary education and I'd worked in education for the past 20 years. It only seemed logical to pursue that course. All of us were going on a grand, new, scary adventure, but we were doing it together - as much as possible. Fortunately, I was employed at the very charter school that my youngest children were attending.
And you know what. It has been one of the best and worst experiences of my life. I am learning so much and we are having experiences that were not possible on the previous path. None of my children want to go back to homeschooling (at present) and I'm not so sure if I would want to do that myself. Of course I am struggling with feelings of self-betrayal and abandoning all that I've stood for. But at the same time, I'm experiencing the peaceful anxiety or the serene chaos of trusting the Lord is at the helm in the midst of tumultuous waters.
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| Image from Following the Voice Within |
I won't claim to have any clear vision of the destination of the path I'm on, though I know that all things will turn out well. I'm sure this internal turmoil is minor in comparison to the trials that others have had to endure. I recognize that and am grateful for my own version of my refining fire. But it is STILL a refiners fire and uneasy growth is taking place. It's not what I planned for or even desired, however, the peaceful anxiety is evidence of God's involvement in my life. And that makes everything okay.
