Peaceful Anxiety

Tax season has always been a pain in the neck.  This year more so than any other time.  My husband has his own business and to be painfully honest, we are not so great at separating personal expenses from business expenses.  Due to the hassle of shuffling funds from one account to another (as well as non-dependability of receiving said funds), purchases were made from what ever account had the money.  So at tax time, I was scratching my head pretty hard.  As I added up the personal expenditures and compared them to the amount of tithing that was paid... there was a significant discrepency.

Unfortunately, debt is not a new concept for us, however being in debt to the Lord was.  My covenants were not being fulfilled, and the idea was absolutely appalling to me.  I thought for sure there was some error... at least in the amount of debt.  At tithing settlement, for the first time in my life, I had to admit that we were not full tithe payers.

And of all the gall, the bishop just shrugged it off and said, "yes, and I'm sure you will get it caught up so that you will be full tithe payers as soon as you can".

Grady already was working way too hard and things were super tight to have any hope of incrementally getting caught up. The painful realization was becoming crystal clear.   I had to go to work.

This wasn't the type of situation where it is wiser and even more profitable to start my own business.  I knew that concept already.  What I needed, though, was a steady amount of budgetable income.  A J.O.B.  As I considered my options, I knew I couldn't take just any job because I was still accountable for four children.  The harsh reality became painfully obvious.  They had to go to a public school...  Just kill me now. 

As I was considering my employability, I knew I wanted to be at the crossroads for them.  Transitioning from full-time homeschooler to latch-key children was simply too much for my mother heart to handle.  So I looked for employment in the school systems which would make it possible for me to have the same hours as them.   Afer all, I did major in elementary education and I'd worked in education for the past 20 years. It only seemed logical to pursue that course.  All of us were going on a grand, new, scary adventure, but we were doing it together - as much as possible.  Fortunately, I was employed at the very charter school that my youngest children were attending.

And you know what.  It has been one of the best and worst experiences of my life.  I am learning so much and we are having experiences that were not possible on the previous path.  None of my children want to go back to homeschooling (at present) and I'm not so sure if I would want to do that myself.   Of course I am struggling with feelings of self-betrayal and abandoning all that I've stood for.  But at the same time,  I'm experiencing the peaceful anxiety or the serene chaos of trusting the Lord is at the helm in the midst of tumultuous waters.

Image from Following the Voice Within

I won't claim to have any clear vision of the destination of the path I'm on, though I know that all things will turn out well.   I'm sure this internal turmoil is minor in comparison to the trials that others have had to endure.  I recognize that and am grateful for my own version of my refining fire.  But it is STILL a refiners fire and uneasy growth is taking place.  It's not what I planned for or even desired, however, the  peaceful anxiety is evidence of God's involvement in my life.  And that makes everything okay.

BECOMING

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In order to accomplish this Colossal Quest, it’s going to require a certain type of person.  I don’t mean an introvert/extrovert or even the most talented/qualified to carry it out.  But instead a certain caliber of person with all their unique gifts and contributions for their specific missions.  A highly educated person but not in the traditional sense.  One that is educated in character.

When thinking about the purposes of education, it’s generally associated with getting a good job, or having the skills to be competitive in society, or just simply acquiring things like money, a social reputation or cultural literacy.  Basically, the purpose is to DO or to HAVE.  But like most things that society has to offer, there is a higher, a more noble purpose behind the mechanics . . . and that is to BE.

 

BEING a great person, is truly undervalued in a world where GETTING is the popular trend.  BEING of high quality is hardly even mentioned in the arguments for education.  Sure, there is the twist on the word such as being informed and literate or being confident and competitive, even being a contributing member of society.  But those are just another way of saying the same objective of GETTING. 

BEING or BECOMING is in a class of its own.  It’s happening all the time, whether it is identified as an objective or not.  DOING or GETTING require specific actions to get a result but BECOMING is an either/or based on what choices are made.  It’s attached to the DOING or GETTING but shapes the character rather than the brain or pocketbook.  For instance –

Studying math 

     *Provides career opportunities  (& salary advantages) to solve society’s Ills  

     *Increases the likelihood of improving the current trends of technology growth

     *Gives the student the skills needed to understand the principles of mathematics

     *Gives the student competence to interact in a world where those principles are utilized

     *Causes the brain to create new connections and pathways for increased functionality and reasoning power

     *It may create a hate of math because of the challenges associated with learning it.

Those are the DOING and GETTING.  But it also is teaching the BECOMING skills such as:

    *Developing the fortitude and confidence to do hard things

    *Developing the discipline of daily practice and persistence (a good work ethic)

    *Developing a greater appreciation for the mathematical principles behind all of creation and nature

    *Developing a social competence and intelligence that is attractive to others

    *Developing courage to face complicated problems or intimidating circumstances

    *If resisting the learning challenges, it is developing ignorance, inconsistency, emotional instability, distractableness, discouragement, cantankerous, lazy, even a quitter.

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So how does one BECOME? 

Well, God has already put together a pretty amazing system based on choice and experiences.  Truth is available for all and whether one applies said truth, BECOMES said results.  If the opposite of truth is applied, one BECOMES a different result.  A simple cause and effect system.  Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21 describe it best:

            “There is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings (in this case BECOMINGS) are predicated –

            “And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is

predicated.”

We simply identify what it is we want to BECOME and then make those choices that will give us those results.  Simple?  Not really.  It’s quite a complex scenario but well worth the investment of focus and intent. 

Whereas DOING can receive a checkmark and GETTING can be tangibly identified, BECOMING is challenging to measure.  Usually it is incredibly gradual and continually progressive in nature.  Over time or hindsight is its best indicators that progress is being made. 

If BECOMING is our educational objective and we are in the process of BECOMING (because the journey never ends), we can DO what is required to accomplish the Colossal Quest and HAVE an impactful life.