My life is
filled with interims. This last 12
months was a big one. I spent almost a
full year working as a Teacher’s Assistant in a public school setting. The reasons are varied and complicated though
the lessons have been many and valuable. I gained a deep friendship with the teacher I worked with along with insight into the system that I couldn't have before as a
life-long homeschooling mother. I got to
see, firsthand, why so much of the school experience is classroom management
and even why passion about a subject could be a difficult to handle
situation. I was able to see why so much
emphasis is placed on state mandated standards and why parents are so far
removed from their children’s educational experience. And I definitely witnessed how children
associate learning and school in a negative light. I won’t imply I have correctly identified
solutions to any of these scenarios, although the first-hand experience has
been insightful and real.
I did
however feel like I was participating in some psychological experiment. You know, the kind where participants are
asked to do something by someone of supposed authority and in order to fulfill
that assignment, they do things that they never would have done on their own. (ie.
The Milgram Experiment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOYLCy5PVgM
)
 |
| Stanley Milgrim with his shock machine |
What was disturbing and confusing the first week I was there, became commonplace, even
understandable. I was trying to wrap my
mind around why things were done in a certain way and with the outside
requirements of state funded standards, parents supposed best interest of
child, burned out teachers from dealing with discipline issues and unrealistic
expectations, and children who are over stimulated and over entertained, I was
not having much luck processing the components.
And unfortunately, it was easier simply to obey what the authorities
said than to make sense of a complexity that was beyond me.
Recently, I
was listening to one of Dr. DeMille’s addresses when he talked about the National
mentality versus the tribal mentality. Briefly outlined, the nation’s objectives and
accomplishments were on the wealth and success end of the spectrum whereas the
tribe’s objective and accomplishments leaned more toward relationships and true
happiness. Although, I didn’t
necessarily want to put my children in the public school, I was trying to make
the best of the situation by submitting to the strengths it had to offer. Most everybody else was doing it and even I
was a product of the public school system, so surely my children would fare
alright since that is what I had to do. Eventually I had adjusted to the routines and
systems and had integrated in fairly nicely, I thought. But at the back of my mind and heart, I was
not content. When I realized that I was
utilizing a system that failed at accomplishing relationships and happiness, I
could see why I was struggling internally. I definitely prefer the tribal mentality. Here I was wanting to have the perfect balance
of relationships (with academic content, with the children and other teachers,
with my own inner peace) in an environment that was pursuing job training,
conformance to outside pressures, and regimented studies that makes learning a
drudgery. I already knew this but
experiencing it has brought a new depth to my understanding.
I recently
went to Parent Teacher Conference and although I enjoyed visiting with some of
the teachers, the majority of the experience left me feeling belittled and
managed. The teachers were VERY good at
managing the classroom, managing the children’s inappropriate behavior, managing
the schedules and the required standards, but I didn’t feel that they were
capable of managing a relationship (or maybe a better way of saying it was they
were capable of controlling a relationship but not simply experiencing
one). There was nothing organic or real or
love-based about the encounter and I left feeling concerned about my children’s
ability to associate good feelings with learning.
Fortunately,
my circumstances changed enough (maybe internally more than externally) that I
quit my job and came home. At present,
my children are still attending school until more things are in my favor,
though I anticipate their return eventually.
It has been such a sweet experience to “Come Home”. After trying to convince myself (more like LIE to myself) that everything would
turn out alright, I am serving my family once again by being a guardian of the
home. Preparing meals, cleaning house,
reading stories, and interacting in a reduced stress manner never felt so glorious. My running faster than I had
strength has finally ended and I’m feeling the relief of breathing freely
again. The transition will not be
complete until I bring my children home and we once again become a unified
central unit rather than simply a docking station in between outside social
obligations, but I feel a wonderful sense of peace at stepping outside of that “national
minded” system. Leaving the “What” of
education and returning to the “Why” is bringing me joy, inner peace, and
excitement that I couldn’t experience within the ‘system’. My “Why” is to nurture relationships, prepare
for mission, and be consistent to what I know to be true.
