Coming Home

My life is filled with interims.  This last 12 months was a big one.  I spent almost a full year working as a Teacher’s Assistant in a public school setting.  The reasons are varied and complicated though the lessons have been many and valuable.   I gained a deep friendship with the teacher I worked with along with insight into the system that I couldn't have before as a life-long homeschooling mother.  I got to see, firsthand, why so much of the school experience is classroom management and even why passion about a subject could be a difficult to handle situation.  I was able to see why so much emphasis is placed on state mandated standards and why parents are so far removed from their children’s educational experience.  And I definitely witnessed how children associate learning and school in a negative light.  I won’t imply I have correctly identified solutions to any of these scenarios, although the first-hand experience has been insightful and real.   

I did however feel like I was participating in some psychological experiment.  You know, the kind where participants are asked to do something by someone of supposed authority and in order to fulfill that assignment, they do things that they never would have done on their own. (ie. The Milgram Experiment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOYLCy5PVgM )

Stanley Milgrim with his shock machine

What was disturbing and confusing the first week I was there, became commonplace, even understandable.   I was trying to wrap my mind around why things were done in a certain way and with the outside requirements of state funded standards, parents supposed best interest of child, burned out teachers from dealing with discipline issues and unrealistic expectations, and children who are over stimulated and over entertained, I was not having much luck processing the components.  And unfortunately, it was easier simply to obey what the authorities said than to make sense of a complexity that was beyond me.

Recently, I was listening to one of Dr. DeMille’s addresses when he talked about the National mentality versus the tribal mentality.  Briefly outlined, the nation’s objectives and accomplishments were on the wealth and success end of the spectrum whereas the tribe’s objective and accomplishments leaned more toward relationships and true happiness.  Although, I didn’t necessarily want to put my children in the public school, I was trying to make the best of the situation by submitting to the strengths it had to offer.  Most everybody else was doing it and even I was a product of the public school system, so surely my children would fare alright since that is what I had to do.  Eventually I had adjusted to the routines and systems and had integrated in fairly nicely, I thought.  But at the back of my mind and heart, I was not content.  When I realized that I was utilizing a system that failed at accomplishing relationships and happiness, I could see why I was struggling internally.  I definitely prefer the tribal mentality.  Here I was wanting to have the perfect balance of relationships (with academic content, with the children and other teachers, with my own inner peace) in an environment that was pursuing job training, conformance to outside pressures, and regimented studies that makes learning a drudgery.  I already knew this but experiencing it has brought a new depth to my understanding. 

I recently went to Parent Teacher Conference and although I enjoyed visiting with some of the teachers, the majority of the experience left me feeling belittled and managed.  The teachers were VERY good at managing the classroom, managing the children’s inappropriate behavior, managing the schedules and the required standards, but I didn’t feel that they were capable of managing a relationship (or maybe a better way of saying it was they were capable of controlling a relationship but not simply experiencing one).  There was nothing organic or real or love-based about the encounter and I left feeling concerned about my children’s ability to associate good feelings with learning. 

Fortunately, my circumstances changed enough (maybe internally more than externally) that I quit my job and came home.  At present, my children are still attending school until more things are in my favor, though I anticipate their return eventually.  It has been such a sweet experience to “Come Home”.  After trying to convince myself (more like LIE to myself) that everything would turn out alright, I am serving my family once again by being a guardian of the home.  Preparing meals, cleaning house, reading stories, and interacting in a reduced stress manner never felt so glorious.  My running faster than I had strength has finally ended and I’m feeling the relief of breathing freely again.  The transition will not be complete until I bring my children home and we once again become a unified central unit rather than simply a docking station in between outside social obligations, but I feel a wonderful sense of peace at stepping outside of that “national minded” system.  Leaving the “What” of education and returning to the “Why” is bringing me joy, inner peace, and excitement that I couldn’t experience within the ‘system’.  My “Why” is to nurture relationships, prepare for mission, and be consistent to what I know to be true.