I would consider myself a fairly honest person. Well… maybe I’m still a work in progress as
indicated in a few of these previous blogs.
Honesty may be my soapbox, one of my great passions, part of
my message to the world. I don’t
know. But if that were the case, I
wouldn’t imagine that I would struggle with it as often as I do. Here are a few of my recent encounters.
THE HONOR EXAM
One of
my college classes begins every homework assignment with an honor pledge
followed by a quiz attesting to whether we were honest during the
assignment. Every task has a bright red
banner with a warning to not tamper with the banner. Every classroom project can only be accessed
(on the computer) once the honesty quiz is passed. And this last week we had our first exam with
the same immense emphasis. Initially I
was impressed, then tolerating and eventually, I became annoyed by the
extensive intensity on something that didn’t have anything to do with the
purpose of the class. And of course I
was going to be honest, I didn’t need this constant parenting patrol.
This is
where the justification begins. I had an
actual panic attack two days prior to the exam being due. I hadn’t really had time to work on this two
week project and for some reason I thought I had another week before it was
due. There were a large amount of other
stressors and things not going right at home and in the lives of loved ones. I had to get laser focused on this 10+ hour
project. And at the same time I had to
babysit my grandbabies, and be present for family members who were in crises
mode. So I tried to do both. I was working on my project while listening
to their problems and occasionally responding to what was going on in their
world. But the majority of the time I had
my eyes and attention glued to my computer screen.
The
morning before the exam was to be uploaded, I woke up and realized that I was
not as successful at balancing both objectives as I had hoped. I made a few comments about my project and
asked some general questions that I was confused about during the project. It may have been an attempt to encourage my
family members that I wasn’t totally tuning them out. It may have been I just wasn’t thinking that
what came out of my mouth was in conflict with the honesty pledge I repeatedly signed. But what I’m afraid is my skill of justifying
my poor choice was a little too fine tuned.
Side
note. Fortunately, I believe in repentance.
I did confess on the exam that I had
slipped up and was willing to fail the exam because of it. So that made me feel a little bit better when
the entire class period was dedicated to whether we were honest or not. (Geesh-
I feel sheepish)
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| Image provided by proprofs |
ACCOUNTABILITY PROJECT
In another one of my classes we have an accountability project
where we define what we want to become, set daily/weekly/monthly goals to
become that, and set up a “stick” based accounting procedure. I fretted about what “stick” I should choose
to motivate me to do the necessary hard things.
I could have picked something that would have been fairly easy to do in
the case of failure. However… in an attempt to be completely honest I chose a
highly motivating fear-based reason to do what I was being asked to do. Now, I
don’t necessarily agree with this method of encouragement. Still, that is what is required for this
class.
Last night, I received a text from my accountability
partner, asking if everything was alright.
I realized that even though I had been working on school the entire day,
and had other obligations in the evening, I had forgotten to follow up before
the deadline.
Moment of truth… I had done all the other daily goals that were
required though somehow I had neglected to record it. One of the daily goals was to record my
progress by 10:00 pm. And now, as outlined
in the contract, I had failed. My mind
flooded with excuses and justifications as to why I shouldn’t have to apply my “stick”. I’m
still battling with how I could even follow through with the consequence (which
is why I went to such great measures to avoid having to).
PUBLIC SCHOOL/EDUCATION IN GENERAL
My daughter has chosen to remain in the public high school,
even though I felt a strong impression to bring my children back home. I’ve witnessed how she justifies with one
excuse or reason after another.
I recall doing the same thing when I was going to college
and my younger ones were attending a public charter school. "It just doesn’t make sense to homeschool them
now while I’m carrying 12 credits, being a mom/wife/grandma, office manager for
my husband’s business, and fulfilling church callings." (Just in case anyone wonders why I’m stressed
out all the time, there’s a clue). I
would justify my decision to send them to someone who could give them the
attention and skills they needed since I was already too busy.
But the spirit worked on me and they are now back home
engaging in a great deal of self-government. I find I’m justifying for my high school
daughter as well – "She’s her own agent and is free to choose how she wants to
be educated, I probably couldn’t meet her upper education needs anyway, she is
too social to be stuck home all the time, etc. etc. etc."
And now I’m beginning to question my justification for going
back to college in the first place. "I
need a bachelor’s degree in order to have any quality source of income. I need
credentials in order to open a private school.
I need to be prepared to be the primary breadwinner due to my husband’s
poor health. I need to be able to produce income in order to overcome my
scarcity tendencies. The Lord seems to
be sustaining me since I’m doing so well in my classes." The list goes on and on as to why this is a
good thing. But I wonder if this “degree”
thing is just something I want for myself. A regret for not finishing my
education before I started the family path. A keeping up with the Jones effort. A justification for not knowing exactly that
this is what the Lord is guiding me to do at this point in my life.
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| Image by Tiffany |
I’ve heard it said that the word JUSTIFY means ‘to make
straight’. That stands true in the
Savior’s justification for us – to make us righteous, or straight when we are
definitely fallen, crooked, and incapable.
That would be the JUST justification. Although there is also an UNJUST
justification when we attempt to ‘make straight’ or attempt to align truth with
poor choices through excuses, logic, and evidence.
That includes the atheist who justifies his abandonment from God, the
businessman who separates his action from his conscience (it’s nothing
personal), all the way to the honest person who justifies how they are still
being honest (as indicated above).
And so the search for truth continues as we strive to become
more than we currently are.
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