Speaking the Language of Religion

A number of years ago, I attended a book colloquia that helped me to identify something about myself that I hadn’t really noticed before. I don’t recall the book we were discussing but my aha really had nothing to do with the message found within the pages of the book.

One person in the group made a somewhat lengthy comment about an insight she had gained while reading the book. Again, I don’t remember the comment though I do recall the feeling associated behind her comment. It was very touchy-feely with words like ‘connecting with their heart’ and ‘communicating to the inner child’ or ‘gain access to the passions inside the soul’. I may be completely off but I recall it had that type of emotion behind it.

Shortly after, another comment was made but this time the background of the comment came from a religious perspective or angle – such as referencing ‘the true self’ or ‘remembering who they were in the pre-existence’ or ‘have the Holy Ghost speak to their spirit’, etc. Again, I may be way off, however the comment definitely had a spiritual or religious undertone to it.

The irony was as I analyzed those two different comments, they basically had expressed the exact same idea – the only difference being the style in which they presented it. Although I was intrigued by the first comment (touchy-feely) - it had merit and perspective that was worthy of consideration - however, when the second comment was made (religious verbiage), I resonated with it at a much deeper level of understanding. What I discovered about myself …? Similar to the fact that I am a visual learner, an introvert, or a #3 energy type - religion is my preferred language.  

On the same note, revelation is my preferred epistemology. If you talk to me about ‘studies have shown’ (imperisism) or ‘officials state’ (mandarinism) or ‘experts suggest’ (credentialism), I may or may not buy into whatever you are trying to communicate. In fact, I’ve seen these forms of evidence abused so much in comparison to what I view as the ultimate source of truth, that they really carry very little weight in my mind. However, if you tell me you had an impression, or quote one of the general authorities, or mention a scripture – I am much more easily persuaded to believe and act accordingly.

The irony, of course, is we live in a time when religion is under attack, and so my preferred voice may not be well received by others. I do find it interesting that avid anti-religionists shout about how oppressed people have been under the “reign of religion” and how much better they are now that “science” and “reason” have liberated them. I feel just the opposite. I am “offended” that religious expression is taken out of our schools and our government. And since science cannot “prove” anything (it can only disprove), and the interpretation of the ‘disproof’ can be twisted to whatever agenda they are wanting to promote, I question scientific backing. It just isn’t my preferred style of language.

I sometimes wonder how First Foundations Academy, with its emphasis on scriptural backing and defending the exercise of religion in the context of secular knowledge, can ever become a reality. What if I’m the only one who speaks that jargon? I also wonder how to create it without it being considered priestcraft due to the religious undertones and the need to be funded in order to function. There are still lots of questions in regard to my efforts to follow this prompting.

This much I do know. I know that we are experiencing and carrying out the great plan of Happiness. I know the gospel of Jesus Christ is true and eternal (beyond the academic trends of the day). I know that pure gospel has been restored and we live in the fullness right now.  I know I want to have a personal relationship with my Savior and follow the specific guidance I receive through the spirit.

And I know that my preferred vocabulary is the one that supports these truths the best. No disguise or universal generalities needed. No separation of secular truths from spiritual truths. No need to give my allegiance to Babylon when the invitation of Zion is before me. If religious verbiage is good enough for Heavenly Father to establish and promote, it is good enough for me to support in my usage. I speak religion.

Principles of Teaching in Zion

I’m confused... Uncertain... Wavering...

I just spent an entire semester studying the Principles of Teaching and Assessment. Since the class was in a private school, based on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I somewhat expected the class format to be a little different than it turned out to be. The term “principle” had me excited because it is synonymous with truth - little packets of ‘general truth’ or ‘foundational proof’ which other truths can be built upon (Noah Webster 1828 Dictionary). I was excited to identify the core of the matter and be clear what principles were established by the Lord in regard to teaching.

What I found was...

Insightful…oh yeah.
Logical…absolutely.
Professional…yes, sir.
Scientifically supported… theoretically (puns intended).
There was even scriptural support.

Though I’m not sure I gained what I had hoped to attain. In fact, as so often seems to happen in higher education, I feel my very foundation may have been a little shaken. Now I understand that the purpose of the class was to prepare teacher-candidates to be able to work in the public schools and therefore, it would require concepts such as common core standards, testing, professional responsibilities, and technology to be included in the content and of course it had to be backed up by scientific research.  The University had standards in which it had to follow and conform to as well as public schools. I have to admit the content and presentation was really quite eye-opening and I was able to receive invaluable resources. Frequently, I left the classroom completely convinced that what I heard was true – unfortunately, it was in direct contrast to what I believed prior to entering the classroom.

For over 20 years, I have home educated my children with the absolute assurance that many aspects of the public school were not only unnecessary but could be harmful to the spiritual as well as academic well-being of the child. Now that I’ve heard the arguments, background, and logical reasoning for many of those aspects, I am unsure exactly where I stand.  And that is a very uncomfortable place to be.

I decided to immerse myself in the scriptures (as our prophet counseled) and search myself for the principles established by Heavenly Father. Apparently, the Lord has never endorsed the current application of the separation of church and state. Besides, it is impossible to do so as I pointed out HERE - Indivisible Education.

The following is an outline of the scriptures I found put into categories. Of course, this is only a starting point and will require additional studying and pondering to get a firm grasp on the principle. 

Principles of Teaching

Status Warning -
*Teaching/Example is either least or greatest in Kingdom of heaven – [pending content] (Matt 5:19)
*Trust no man to be your teacher except he be a man of God (Mosiah 23:14)

A Teacher’s Purpose - 
*To teach all nations (Matt 28:19)
*To teach others of the Lord [although this duty is temporary] (Jeremiah 31:34)
*The Lord teaches us to profit (1 Nephi 20:17)
*[Supportive]: Parents are primary teachers (D&C 68:25) Teach their children to pray & walk upright (D&C 
68:28) They had been taught by their mothers (Alma 56:47)
*Teaching is a gift of the spirit (Moroni 10:9; D&C 88:118)

Prerequisite –
*First seek to obtain my word (D&C 11:21)
*Appointment to office (D&C 38:23, 88:122)
*If ye receive not the spirit, ye shall not teach (D&C 42:14)
*Treasure up the words of life & it shall be given you (D&C 84:85)

Standards –
*Ordinances [Performances/rules] & laws [nature, government, commandments] (Ex 18:20) Duty (D&C 107:85)
*Statutes & judgments [Cultural rules & church policies] (Deut 4:5) Covenants (D&C 84:48) Traditions (2 Thes 2:15)
The learning of our fathers (1 Nephi 1:1) Keep the commandments (Mosiah 53:21)
*The doctrines of the Kingdom [the ‘WHY’] (D&C 88:77) Repentance (Moses 6:57) Ye ARE to teach of God
 (1 Thes 4:9)
*Principles of the gospel [the ‘WHAT’] (D&C 42:12)
*The word of God (Jacob 1:19) Scripture study (3 Nephi 23:14) Jesus’ teachings (Acts 1:1)
*The difference between holy & profane, discern between clean/unclean (Ezek 44:23) The good and the
right way, the way of wisdom (1 Sam 12:23,1 Kgs 8:36, Prov 4:11)
*Observe all things (Matt 28:20)
*Train up a child in the way he should go (Prov 22:6)
*Teach to pray (Luke 11:1) (2 Nephi 32:8)
*Sobriety (Titus 2:4)
*Do Good (2 Nephi 33:10)
*Walk in the ways of truth (Mosiah 4:15)
*Words of wisdom (D&C 88:118)
*Light & truth (D&C 93:42)

Curriculum -
Taught more perfectly in *theory [math], *in principle [truth], *in doctrine [purposes], *in the law of
the gospel [celestial law], *in all things that pertain unto the kingdom of God [all things are 
spiritual], *in Heaven and *in the earth [Science], *things which have been  [History], *things which
are [Current events], *thing which must shortly come to pass [Prophecy], *things which are at home
[Local news], *things which are abroad [global new], *wars & perplexities [Social Studies],
*judgements, *countries & kingdoms [Geography] (D&C 88:78-79) *Read & Write [Language Arts] (Moses 6:23)

Do Not –
*Teach for doctrines the commandments of men (Matt 15:9) Teach no other doctrine (1 Tim 1:3)World does not
want the teaching in the name of Jesus (Acts 4:18) Not which man’s wisdom teach, but what the Holy
Ghost teach (1 Cor 2:13)                  
*Teach for profit [to get gain] (Micah 3:11)      

Method -
* [Inspired from above] - I (God) will teach thee what thou shalt say (Ex. 4:12); It shall be given you what 
to speak (Matt 10:19) Holy Ghost shall teach you in the same hour (Luke 12:12)  As my father taught me (John 
8:28) Comforter shall teach you all things (14:26) Children are to be taught of the Lord (Isa 54:13, John 6:45) All
thy children shall be taught of the Lord (3 Nephi 22:13) Ye are to be taught from on high (D&C 43:16) That which
is taught them by the comforter (D&C 52:9) Shall teach them all things (D&C 75:10)
*Teach in Parables/Stories (Mark 4:2)
*Teach according to the perfect manner of the law  (Acts 22:3)
*Teach through symbol (Ex 13:14-18, Joshua 4:1-9)
*Teach & admonish each other in psalms (Col 3:16)
*Diligence (Deut 6:7) Cease not & teach diligently the things of the Lord (Acts 5:42; 18:25) Teach them the word 
of God with all diligence (Jacob 1:19) Teach ye diligently and my grace shall attend thee (D&C 88:78) Daily in 
the Temple (Matt 26: 55) (Luke 19:47)

The Superlative form of Education

image from Wendtpartners.com

One of my classes this semester had us study the following talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks. 

“Good, Better, Best”.  I’ve heard this address several times since its debut in 2007 and have used the principles found in it as a guide many times in determining time management and spiritual matters. Now I’m seeing its application regarding education.

For instance, when my younger children were attending a public charter school, there was an abundant amount of good things taking place in their education. They were learning to take care of themselves and being responsible for things such as packing their own lunch and cleaning up after themselves.  I saw that academics were coming alive for them and they were getting regular time with new concept introductions as well as regular practice for mastery of the 3 R’s.  They were motivated to study simply by peer association (everybody’s doing it) and test scores.  What they were getting was good.  There is no question of that. 

Being home has the added benefit of spending time with family and strengthening those connections.  There is free time for them to simply be kids, exploring, creating, overseeing their own time investments, relaxed and free.  They are also able to incorporate gospel study as well as learn in an environment that the spirit is welcome and encouraged.  Many times, the lessons are real life and happen organically – not fabricated for the classroom. The 3 R’s are taking place though at a less stringent pace.  They have a say in what they study, and their syllabus is based on their interests, goals, and desires. I feel home education or individualized education is a better option or maybe even the best option while here in mortality.

Even in homeschool there are good, better, and best.  Many curricula are set up as a public school at home with a set number of lessons, scripts for both the mentor and student, or chapters to read with exercises at the end and tests assessing their mastery.  Again, that is a good way of learning (but you might as well send them to public school because attempting to compete with that system will always fail by the limited workforce, training, and resources.)  A better method is studying from living books and real-life experiences.  World schooling (traveling), and lots of real opportunities. Basically, it is utilizing the classics and mentors.  The amount of difference between the conveyor belt and a leadership or classical education is astounding.  And yet, there is still a best option that incorporates the gospel of Jesus Christ and invites the spirit to be a part of the study process.  Learning from the Lord through revelation, taking the spirit to be your guide by choosing what to search as prompted and seeking to do the Lords will (compared to job training for the lowest common denominators).

  

image from sbcs.richmond.edu

I’ve heard the good, better, and best compared to the three degrees of glory.  The Telestial education would be compared to the public-school system (job training) or similar methods of study.  It is still a kingdom of glory… there is still learning that takes place.  In the Mary/Martha story – it would be the “cumbered about much serving, careful and troubled about many things” but there is a better part. 

The Terrestrial Education might be compared to leadership education.  Studying the classics and mentors, a governess or private tutor that creates a course of study and develops talents based on what the student needs to learn to fulfill their unique mission. 

The Celestial Education is learning what the Lord wants us to learn, with the spirit to impress upon our minds and hearts, in order to fulfill our unique mission and bring about His purposes.  It incorporates study and faith with the scriptures as our core classic or textbook.  It possesses all the good elements of the telestial education, all the better elements of terrestrial education, and adds the best elements of the spiritual connection with God.  It is the best education available. 

image from childrenministry.com

And so, the choice is ours.  Whichever education option we choose will require an investment. Which education are we willing to pay the price to earn? Which one has the best returns? Which one will bring us the greatest happiness and lasting significance on the child and society at large?  And what is our obligation to our children, the betterment of society, and to our Heavenly Father?

 

UNJUST Justification

I would consider myself a fairly honest person.  Well… maybe I’m still a work in progress as indicated in a few of these previous blogs.

                The Pains of Progress

                I’m Honestly Dishonest

                Internal Decay – Eww

                How did I Become a Bigamist

Honesty may be my soapbox, one of my great passions, part of my message to the world.  I don’t know.  But if that were the case, I wouldn’t imagine that I would struggle with it as often as I do.  Here are a few of my recent encounters.

THE HONOR EXAM

                One of my college classes begins every homework assignment with an honor pledge followed by a quiz attesting to whether we were honest during the assignment.  Every task has a bright red banner with a warning to not tamper with the banner.  Every classroom project can only be accessed (on the computer) once the honesty quiz is passed.  And this last week we had our first exam with the same immense emphasis.  Initially I was impressed, then tolerating and eventually, I became annoyed by the extensive intensity on something that didn’t have anything to do with the purpose of the class.  And of course I was going to be honest, I didn’t need this constant parenting patrol.

                This is where the justification begins.  I had an actual panic attack two days prior to the exam being due.  I hadn’t really had time to work on this two week project and for some reason I thought I had another week before it was due.  There were a large amount of other stressors and things not going right at home and in the lives of loved ones.  I had to get laser focused on this 10+ hour project.  And at the same time I had to babysit my grandbabies, and be present for family members who were in crises mode.  So I tried to do both.  I was working on my project while listening to their problems and occasionally responding to what was going on in their world.  But the majority of the time I had my eyes and attention glued to my computer screen. 

                The morning before the exam was to be uploaded, I woke up and realized that I was not as successful at balancing both objectives as I had hoped.  I made a few comments about my project and asked some general questions that I was confused about during the project.  It may have been an attempt to encourage my family members that I wasn’t totally tuning them out.  It may have been I just wasn’t thinking that what came out of my mouth was in conflict with the honesty pledge I repeatedly signed.  But what I’m afraid is my skill of justifying my poor choice was a little too fine tuned.

                Side note.  Fortunately, I believe in repentance.  I did confess on the exam that I had slipped up and was willing to fail the exam because of it.  So that made me feel a little bit better when the entire class period was dedicated to whether we were honest or not. (Geesh- I feel sheepish)

Image provided by proprofs

ACCOUNTABILITY PROJECT

In another one of my classes we have an accountability project where we define what we want to become, set daily/weekly/monthly goals to become that, and set up a “stick” based accounting procedure.  I fretted about what “stick” I should choose to motivate me to do the necessary hard things.  I could have picked something that would have been fairly easy to do in the case of failure. However… in an attempt to be completely honest I chose a highly motivating fear-based reason to do what I was being asked to do. Now, I don’t necessarily agree with this method of encouragement.  Still, that is what is required for this class.

Last night, I received a text from my accountability partner, asking if everything was alright.  I realized that even though I had been working on school the entire day, and had other obligations in the evening, I had forgotten to follow up before the deadline. 

Moment of truth… I had done all the other daily goals that were required though somehow I had neglected to record it.  One of the daily goals was to record my progress by 10:00 pm.  And now, as outlined in the contract, I had failed.  My mind flooded with excuses and justifications as to why I shouldn’t have to apply my “stick”.   I’m still battling with how I could even follow through with the consequence (which is why I went to such great measures to avoid having to).

PUBLIC SCHOOL/EDUCATION IN GENERAL

My daughter has chosen to remain in the public high school, even though I felt a strong impression to bring my children back home.  I’ve witnessed how she justifies with one excuse or reason after another. 

I recall doing the same thing when I was going to college and my younger ones were attending a public charter school.  "It just doesn’t make sense to homeschool them now while I’m carrying 12 credits, being a mom/wife/grandma, office manager for my husband’s business, and fulfilling church callings."  (Just in case anyone wonders why I’m stressed out all the time, there’s a clue).  I would justify my decision to send them to someone who could give them the attention and skills they needed since I was already too busy. 

But the spirit worked on me and they are now back home engaging in a great deal of self-government.  I find I’m justifying for my high school daughter as well – "She’s her own agent and is free to choose how she wants to be educated, I probably couldn’t meet her upper education needs anyway, she is too social to be stuck home all the time, etc. etc. etc."  

And now I’m beginning to question my justification for going back to college in the first place. "I need a bachelor’s degree in order to have any quality source of income. I need credentials in order to open a private school.  I need to be prepared to be the primary breadwinner due to my husband’s poor health. I need to be able to produce income in order to overcome my scarcity tendencies.  The Lord seems to be sustaining me since I’m doing so well in my classes."  The list goes on and on as to why this is a good thing.  But I wonder if this “degree” thing is just something I want for myself. A regret for not finishing my education before I started the family path. A keeping up with the Jones effort.  A justification for not knowing exactly that this is what the Lord is guiding me to do at this point in my life.  

Image by Tiffany

I’ve heard it said that the word JUSTIFY means ‘to make straight’.  That stands true in the Savior’s justification for us – to make us righteous, or straight when we are definitely fallen, crooked, and incapable.  That would be the JUST justification. Although there is also an UNJUST justification when we attempt to ‘make straight’ or attempt to align truth with poor choices through excuses, logic, and evidence.  That includes the atheist who justifies his abandonment from God, the businessman who separates his action from his conscience (it’s nothing personal), all the way to the honest person who justifies how they are still being honest (as indicated above).    

And so the search for truth continues as we strive to become more than we currently are.

Checkmarks

Image by Videoblocks

Check

It’s become a standard of success these days – how many checkmarks can I get and how many checkmarks can I give?

Situation #1

I’m a student at a local university.  The majority of my classes are online and the format is a checklist of instructions and assignments.  I spend my days tackling the tasks on that list in order to receive a checkmark.  Ironically, I’m getting an A in all my classes and so far, I can assume that if I do the work (get a checkmark) a good grade will follow.

Situation #2

I am also homeschooling my two youngest children – 7 & 10.  Yes, it’s an insane combination (I never claimed this was a good idea, though it does feel like the right one).  We start our school at 6:30 with a morning devotional before family members have to leave for school and work.  I proceed with instructions, planning, and a moment of connection before I start my own studies.  My two children spend the rest of their day self-governing their occupations based on a checklist of ideas.  I have been so impressed and a bit surprised by how effectively they are spending their day in productive, independent practice, study, and leisure activities.  As they complete a task, they bring their checklist to me to inspect and sign off.  They have been highly motivated by the checkmark.

Situation #3

My teenage daughter has chosen to remain in the local high school, at least for the remainder of this year.  She does, however, struggle quite a bit with some basic study skills due to learning challenges. Needless to say, her grades are reflective of this condition and she is failing some of her classes.  At first it was quite a traumatic experience for her to not be just like everyone else, even though she was probably putting in double the effort.  She was enjoying the idea of possibly being the first in our family to graduate from a public school.  All her older siblings had graduated from our homeschool as well as passed the GED, but she wanted to be unique, I suppose, by being like everybody else.  She was equating her value on whether she could measure up to these outside, other-imposed, standards of accomplishment.  In other words, she was striving to get enough checkmarks to make the cut of being acceptable.   

What does all this mean?  Probably nothing. Though I do find it interesting.  This motivation is obviously secondary to say the least.  In all three cases, the dopamine fix of earning a checkmark, was the motivation instead of the underlying purpose of all this – obtaining an education.

I do the work on the checklist for my classes.  And what have I gotten from all my effort?  

Simply… a checkmark…! 

I can’t say that I feel I have mastered the content or internalized it into my character – partially because I’m too busy earning checkmarks to take it to a deeper level. My younger children earn a checkmark simply so their work plan for the day has a signature in each slot, (it is visually appealing) not necessarily because they are inspired or wanting to engage in those pursuits.  My teenage daughter was doing a tremendous amount of learning, but because it didn’t meet someone else’s standard of acceptability, she was considered a failure. There is definitely some drawbacks to the checklist approach to education.

On the other hand, when one studies, they learn.  Duty brings about desire. And the ZPD (Zone of Proximal Development) is tested, resulting in growth.   So does the end justify the means? Is there a better approach to learning or is this as good as it gets?

Of course, if that desire to learn something is already inside the student, the checkmark is simply an organizational tool to accomplish what is internally motivating them.  If the inner desire if focused on something else (say being popular or pleasing the teacher or obsessive tendencies to have all the checks marked) than the checklist becomes a management tool to control or be controlled.  Which becomes a moral concern.  Is it ethical to manipulate someone to accomplish what we think is in their best interest? That philosophy sounds all too familiar in context of the war in Heaven.

I love to learn and develop, so I don’t mind utilizing the checkmarks as a tool to accomplish that end.  Although for a person to be required to receive checkmarks as the standard of determining whether they are learning is pretty controlling and missing the mark.  Surely there is a more meaningful way to motivate and measure a person’s engagement in learning.  Surely there is a method that encourages the child to WANT to do what is necessary to learn rather than HAVE to do it.  The carrot and the stick method is a pretty lame application of motivation.

Here are a few ideas I’ve come up with that might be a better approach

·       

•            Inspire a child with truth, based on correct principles, so that they are self-disciplined to do what is necessary to learn. (Teach them correct principles and allow them to govern themselves)
• ·         Inspire a child with interesting exposures to the content they are needing to learn.
• ·         Have child set goals, help them set up an action plan, and then mentor them in how to reach that goal. 
• ·         Studying what the child wants to learn and taking advantage of all the learning opportunities that exist within their interest. No checklist yet learning is happening organically.

Having some way to measure learning is essential for the teacher. I get that. Using that method to motivate may be easy, but definitely an inferior means.

Coming Home

My life is filled with interims.  This last 12 months was a big one.  I spent almost a full year working as a Teacher’s Assistant in a public school setting.  The reasons are varied and complicated though the lessons have been many and valuable.   I gained a deep friendship with the teacher I worked with along with insight into the system that I couldn't have before as a life-long homeschooling mother.  I got to see, firsthand, why so much of the school experience is classroom management and even why passion about a subject could be a difficult to handle situation.  I was able to see why so much emphasis is placed on state mandated standards and why parents are so far removed from their children’s educational experience.  And I definitely witnessed how children associate learning and school in a negative light.  I won’t imply I have correctly identified solutions to any of these scenarios, although the first-hand experience has been insightful and real.   

I did however feel like I was participating in some psychological experiment.  You know, the kind where participants are asked to do something by someone of supposed authority and in order to fulfill that assignment, they do things that they never would have done on their own. (ie. The Milgram Experiment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOYLCy5PVgM )

Stanley Milgrim with his shock machine

What was disturbing and confusing the first week I was there, became commonplace, even understandable.   I was trying to wrap my mind around why things were done in a certain way and with the outside requirements of state funded standards, parents supposed best interest of child, burned out teachers from dealing with discipline issues and unrealistic expectations, and children who are over stimulated and over entertained, I was not having much luck processing the components.  And unfortunately, it was easier simply to obey what the authorities said than to make sense of a complexity that was beyond me.

Recently, I was listening to one of Dr. DeMille’s addresses when he talked about the National mentality versus the tribal mentality.  Briefly outlined, the nation’s objectives and accomplishments were on the wealth and success end of the spectrum whereas the tribe’s objective and accomplishments leaned more toward relationships and true happiness.  Although, I didn’t necessarily want to put my children in the public school, I was trying to make the best of the situation by submitting to the strengths it had to offer.  Most everybody else was doing it and even I was a product of the public school system, so surely my children would fare alright since that is what I had to do.  Eventually I had adjusted to the routines and systems and had integrated in fairly nicely, I thought.  But at the back of my mind and heart, I was not content.  When I realized that I was utilizing a system that failed at accomplishing relationships and happiness, I could see why I was struggling internally.  I definitely prefer the tribal mentality.  Here I was wanting to have the perfect balance of relationships (with academic content, with the children and other teachers, with my own inner peace) in an environment that was pursuing job training, conformance to outside pressures, and regimented studies that makes learning a drudgery.  I already knew this but experiencing it has brought a new depth to my understanding. 

I recently went to Parent Teacher Conference and although I enjoyed visiting with some of the teachers, the majority of the experience left me feeling belittled and managed.  The teachers were VERY good at managing the classroom, managing the children’s inappropriate behavior, managing the schedules and the required standards, but I didn’t feel that they were capable of managing a relationship (or maybe a better way of saying it was they were capable of controlling a relationship but not simply experiencing one).  There was nothing organic or real or love-based about the encounter and I left feeling concerned about my children’s ability to associate good feelings with learning. 

Fortunately, my circumstances changed enough (maybe internally more than externally) that I quit my job and came home.  At present, my children are still attending school until more things are in my favor, though I anticipate their return eventually.  It has been such a sweet experience to “Come Home”.  After trying to convince myself (more like LIE to myself) that everything would turn out alright, I am serving my family once again by being a guardian of the home.  Preparing meals, cleaning house, reading stories, and interacting in a reduced stress manner never felt so glorious.  My running faster than I had strength has finally ended and I’m feeling the relief of breathing freely again.  The transition will not be complete until I bring my children home and we once again become a unified central unit rather than simply a docking station in between outside social obligations, but I feel a wonderful sense of peace at stepping outside of that “national minded” system.  Leaving the “What” of education and returning to the “Why” is bringing me joy, inner peace, and excitement that I couldn’t experience within the ‘system’.  My “Why” is to nurture relationships, prepare for mission, and be consistent to what I know to be true.

Peaceful Anxiety

Tax season has always been a pain in the neck.  This year more so than any other time.  My husband has his own business and to be painfully honest, we are not so great at separating personal expenses from business expenses.  Due to the hassle of shuffling funds from one account to another (as well as non-dependability of receiving said funds), purchases were made from what ever account had the money.  So at tax time, I was scratching my head pretty hard.  As I added up the personal expenditures and compared them to the amount of tithing that was paid... there was a significant discrepency.

Unfortunately, debt is not a new concept for us, however being in debt to the Lord was.  My covenants were not being fulfilled, and the idea was absolutely appalling to me.  I thought for sure there was some error... at least in the amount of debt.  At tithing settlement, for the first time in my life, I had to admit that we were not full tithe payers.

And of all the gall, the bishop just shrugged it off and said, "yes, and I'm sure you will get it caught up so that you will be full tithe payers as soon as you can".

Grady already was working way too hard and things were super tight to have any hope of incrementally getting caught up. The painful realization was becoming crystal clear.   I had to go to work.

This wasn't the type of situation where it is wiser and even more profitable to start my own business.  I knew that concept already.  What I needed, though, was a steady amount of budgetable income.  A J.O.B.  As I considered my options, I knew I couldn't take just any job because I was still accountable for four children.  The harsh reality became painfully obvious.  They had to go to a public school...  Just kill me now. 

As I was considering my employability, I knew I wanted to be at the crossroads for them.  Transitioning from full-time homeschooler to latch-key children was simply too much for my mother heart to handle.  So I looked for employment in the school systems which would make it possible for me to have the same hours as them.   Afer all, I did major in elementary education and I'd worked in education for the past 20 years. It only seemed logical to pursue that course.  All of us were going on a grand, new, scary adventure, but we were doing it together - as much as possible.  Fortunately, I was employed at the very charter school that my youngest children were attending.

And you know what.  It has been one of the best and worst experiences of my life.  I am learning so much and we are having experiences that were not possible on the previous path.  None of my children want to go back to homeschooling (at present) and I'm not so sure if I would want to do that myself.   Of course I am struggling with feelings of self-betrayal and abandoning all that I've stood for.  But at the same time,  I'm experiencing the peaceful anxiety or the serene chaos of trusting the Lord is at the helm in the midst of tumultuous waters.

Image from Following the Voice Within

I won't claim to have any clear vision of the destination of the path I'm on, though I know that all things will turn out well.   I'm sure this internal turmoil is minor in comparison to the trials that others have had to endure.  I recognize that and am grateful for my own version of my refining fire.  But it is STILL a refiners fire and uneasy growth is taking place.  It's not what I planned for or even desired, however, the  peaceful anxiety is evidence of God's involvement in my life.  And that makes everything okay.